I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
