They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
