smell my finger.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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