Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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