forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
