i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
