i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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