God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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