He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
