I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize