What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize