I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She bit a glass in half.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
