when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
