My underwear smells like fireworks.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize