Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
