I can text with my tongue
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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