We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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