worst night to have a conscience
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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