Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
