just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize