i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
