dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
