You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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