wat bout pragnant strippers??
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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