i was born a porn star she said
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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