Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
