STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
