your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
