I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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