No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
