she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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