And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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