I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
