no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
