Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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