Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
