Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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