Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He better not be in your backpack
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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