i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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