Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
