i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
