Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
