Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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