Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
