Swine flu is the new snow day.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
