just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
