I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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