my phone needs a breathalizer
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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