im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
