I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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