What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
