are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
