hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
