Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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