never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize