Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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