saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
