just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
only you would photoshop your dick
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
