Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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