I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
a search helicopter?!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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