I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
