oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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