I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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