Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
