I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
