this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
