I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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