her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
